I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
