listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
