My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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