I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
