this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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