Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
