Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
