Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
