I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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