I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
