JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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