wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
