Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
