who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
