last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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