Heybabeimwearingurpanties
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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