the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He better not be in your backpack
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
