I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
