so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
