do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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