alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
