I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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