Will you blow on my dice?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
