1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
