I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Randomize