I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
