Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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