I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
