It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
