Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
