Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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