I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
