I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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