i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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