Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
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She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
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I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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