Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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