Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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