I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Pants 0. Shit 1.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
