i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
