Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
