I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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