planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Randomize
