tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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