my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i already hear my dad disowning me
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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