You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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