I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
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