hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
