My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
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We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
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I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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