I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
