I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
