it's too hot outside to masturbate.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
