I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I am midnight drunk by noon
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I cut my penus on the lid.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
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I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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