I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
