he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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