Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
