I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
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Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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