I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
did you just send me my own nude
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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