Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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