sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
