apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
So much Jack, so little girl.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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