I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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