you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
